I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
