Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
