she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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