When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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