just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
