does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
