so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
