Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're a waste of cheezeits
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
