just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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