Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
