Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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