how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
