i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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