so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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