Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
