Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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