I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Randomize
