he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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