I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
