How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
