by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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