Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
