you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
