Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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