I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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