It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
