she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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