somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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