do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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