I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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