she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
All I want is dick and wine.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
