So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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