my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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