By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
