There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
