I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
