..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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