I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
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