I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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