the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
