Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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