I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
