If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
