Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
