Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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