I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
