I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
