I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
