you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
don't judge my taste in strippers
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
