she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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