Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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