Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize