i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
